One-sided love “Story of a Heartbreak girl”
This is my first heartbreak, on a major scale. Prior to this, I got ditched by the same person over and over again. Same and only one.But this time, it was a final cutting away all ties.
I met this guy back in class 10, never liked him much, because he would not let me talk or laugh. Anytime I would laugh or be excited, he would give me some stern eye rolls (indications to shut up) which I hated.
Fast forward a year, he connected to me on Facebook and we started chatting. Those chats went on for hours, and without my slightest knowledge, my dislike for him changed to like and then a soft corner and finally, what you call, love.
Yes, I started loving him. I started pouring in all my care, my attention to him.I worshiped him kind of. I so craved to see his smile, would get hurt if he lost any match or was upset. I started to feel him like he is a part of me. His happiness became my happiness, his sadness became my sadness. I hated to know he is unhappy or hurt, and would do anything and everything to bring him back to normal, to see his smile again.
We quarreled, tell me who don’t? There are ups and downs in every relationship. It’s two different people, who had been strangers just a while ago, getting to know each other and accepting or appreciating each other with their good and bad, their virtues and flaws.
So there was this one fine day, I was badly upset with the behavior he put up with me. He discarded me without any closure, without telling me a word. I had cried the entire night earlier. There had been some family problems in his life, his mother was ailing and some other issues as well. I already knew he was having a tough time, and his mother made him promise not to talk to me. I was broken, severely hurt because it felt like being punished for no fault of mine. I wanted to stand firm behind him under any circumstance, through thick and thin. But for then, I felt it would be right not to bother him much about the relationship, not to add more problems to his already problematic life and give him space. Trust me, I loved him even more than my own self. But, after we parted ways, he started behaving coldly. He blocked me on all social media, cut off all contacts. I cried badly, really bad. I expected him to at least call me on my birthday, which was pretty soon, but he didn’t. I remember begging him to call me once. I was all tears and broken even on my birthday. A day when people celebrate, enjoy, laugh and have fun, I had locked myself up in a room and cried behind everyone’s eyes. I didn’t want to upset others; my dear ones would have been highly grieved and worried to see me crying that horribly and miserably on my birthday. He did drop in a text, which simply read ” happy birthday” and then again started ignoring my texts or calls and turned into a cold stone wall. Even that had made my day, I was on cloud 9 receiving his text. I was fooled actually. P.s : his birthday wishes for other girls would be somewhat like “happy birthday dear” with emojis and all, a little more effort or sincerity in the wishes I presume.
Nonetheless, I never stopped caring for him. He was not only on my mind always, but also in my prayers. All I prayed for was that smile should never fade out. I just loved his smile, it had become my world, my happiness.
Fast forward, I learnt that behind my back, he had been flirting with one of my school friends, a model and very attractive beautiful young girl. Constant flirts. She showed me the texts, her inbox was full of his messages, just and just his messages with complete ignorance from my friend; full of compliments, praises, sugar coated words and those flirty “good night baby, wont you sleep baby” etc etc. I broke down. This had then come to me as a lightning bolt, a thunder strike that took a part of me instantly. I was torn, a major shock this had been!
Paying zero heed to my self-respect,I left him a text ” Why did you have to do this? Do I mean nothing to you? Why flirt and showcase yourself as a cheap, not-so-decent, and ill-bred guy?” Honestly, those messages were so disgusting/”ewww”. Complimenting a person is good and positive, but there has to be a decency in the manner, a limit to maintain it just as a compliment. His was solely flirtations and nothing else.I was gravely hurt. Albeit being hurt, I thought of protecting his image. I tried to make him realize that flirting in that cheap manner isn’t going to add a feather to his cap nor boost his status as a human being.
Anyway, God knows what happened, and he started shifting his attention back to me. Mind you, the girl he flirted with never responded and being a dear person to me, once she learnt the truth, she gave him a talking to. So, after that, my ex apologized and wanted to come back to my life. Me, being naive, stupid, gullible, and call me any other names, I deserve it thoroughly, readily accepted him in one go. No keeping him hanging, no making him await, no causing him to put in extra efforts to win me back. Just he said he wanted to meet me, and there I was, ready on one say.
Fast forward, things were going okay between us. At least, that’s what I thought (my blindsided misconception). We would fight, yes, but then reconcile too. To me, this was pretty obvious. But he had one “bad habit” in him, which I neglected back then. He would call it quits on every issue, any incident that bothered him or he disliked, and boom, “we are done”, “go to hell” would fill in my chat boxes. I was always the last option, in an on-and-off relationship where there had been a major lack in his dedication
I was blinded by “love”, love which I never received. And yet I chose not to, or rather failed to, notice the red flags in our so called relationship. It had been a one-sided relationship right from the beginning, yes, and my friends were right in warning me, but who pays heed? I was happy , right?
Mind you, he would be all lovey-dovey with me, being exactly like two people are while in a relationship, except one part. He never said he loved me; no, never proposed to me. He said he will propose me if I give in to all his demands, his needs. But, I wasn’t ready for that. I needed his love, which is unconditional, which is true and right from the heart. So, yes, you read it right, I never received an “I Love You” from him.
Wondering what made me stick around him then? Why didn’t I value myself, my self respect and leave him? I can justify this too. Many a times I did ask him, that why weren’t we like most other couples, why was it so hard for him to love me once, or at least give it a try. Making out had been his forte, but loving me sincerely wasn’t. Turning a deaf ear to the burden in my heart, I would even propose him to remain just friends with me if being in a relationship with me or providing me the girlfriend status was difficult for him. But he would always substantiate his logic heeding to his “FEELINGS”; his reasoning was based on his feelings. (feelings that could fleet rapidly and then come back again to enjoy the perks of being in a relationship, must I say!)
I never wanted to force him on anything, regarding any slightest issue. I would take things slow, work them out and give in my heart and soul. I poured myself into bringing up my baby, our relationship. Yes, that’s exactly the way I looked at our relationship, the way a mother nurtures her baby. He had become my world, my everything. Trust me, keeping fasts for him and his well-being and success on Shiv-ratris was a great pleasure for me. I am not so healthy a person, I am prone to falling sick, but still I loved going without food for him, you can’t question my beliefs now.
Fast forward year 2017, July end. He left for abroad. Job purposes. I really didn’t expect a deja vu, but something inside of me did let me know that its going to end and he will shed me off his shoulders pretty soon. He would shed a baggage off him and walk away. P.S: I always, always, had feared losing the person i loved the most.
Anyway, so I later learnt that he had been eyeing those beautiful foreign women, stunningly beautiful, attractive, sexy and enticing. And he hid it from me. Didn’t utter a word. Exactly like earlier times. Scared and hurt. I repeat, scared and hurt. Extremely hurt. I confronted him. And that was it, break up.
No, it wasn’t any other break up, it was one where I also learnt many truth about my own self, my image and position in his life, which I had misled myself into believing that I am someone who matters and is important to him. But, no, it wasn’t so. Once my friends made me understand that watching women is very natural, there is nothing to fret about it, I again started apologizing as always. Be it truly my fault or not, it had always been me at the receiving end of all guilt. I cried and begged for forgiveness. But, as a matter of fact, I learnt that he calls me clingy irritating and disgusting, a 90s old woman with a shitty silly and stupid as fuck mentality that’s not trendy or vogue enough in the 21st c. A second thunder strike!
Remember, I had even proposed friendship, offering to remain just as friends for his ease,with a heavy heart? Well, I was this providing to him, that I even let him take his decisions always, be it in “keeping me or ditching me”. I had even been open enough to tell him to let me know if he does actually fall in love with someone, on that day, I shall leave.
Trust me, I am a girl with a backward outdated mentality. No, I ain’t an orthodox because I know am pretty flexible as a person. And as promised to him and myself, I continued pouring in all my loyalty, love and care, dedication towards him. I would stay up till 4am just to see him come online after long hours ( I understood he had reached home from the pub). I even asked him if he had replaced me with someone, he replied “work”. And i would believe him to the core. Gut feelings I tell you, it always hinted towards him hiding something from me. I would ask him, if there’s any, he would simply negate the reply and also add that I should stop being so cheap, narrow-minded and silly, and most importantly, not spoil his mood with my nonsense shitty talks. I would be hurt, partly because he would devalue me and discard me, partly out of a guilt from within for not being wholly-trusting. This created so much pressure on me, I literally went into depression only to further get hit by an iceberg.
The final blow and the final nail in the coffin. I had my exam at 9am when his “very good friend” (as she had introduced herself to me) contacted me on the wee hours. Started talking about him, and their “friendship” and started dropping in their pictures. Their pictures were all too cozy and intimate, unlikely for two people who are just friends. It hit me, but that’s a foreign country, where people are way modern and fast forward. So I kept believing all her lies, trusted her and counted on her. No, I didn’t for once ask her to make way for me, instead I told her to take good care of him. To see that he is happy and to keep that smile alive on his face always. This is what I entrusted her with, as she’s a very good friend of him.
She also sent me a photo where they were lip-locked. He never took a single photo with me, never made me feel this special as much as he made her. I was taken aback. Fell short of words. In fact, I can’t put in words what a huge blow that had been to me. Just my parents, the Almighty and the walls know what I went through that day. The trauma, the blow, it was more than enough to shatter me into pieces. Not just me, my father was also about to have a stroke that day. I had lost senses, all I remember is my mother patting me and covering up my mouth. I remember her telling me not to cry that way as baba was getting hyper and he has high blood pressure. He had his hands covered up on his chest,. Had it not been for my mother, our family could have faced a greater blow that day with the pain he inflicted on us. So finally this guy accepted of having a girlfriend for long enough, (I am certain they are living together,) having lied to me for months and months on. This didn’t end here. He had no remorse, not an ounce of empathy for hurting and betraying and fooling someone who had always been there for him, to his every beck and call. Instead, in our native language, he asked me not to question him any further, as he had grown tired of it now, he asked me to pave my way for hell, leave the shit out of his life and also never bother him again or be a stumbling block in his happy life with her. And it wasn’t just him, even his GF of 5 months insulted me besides having lied to me for hours, on the very first conversation, at the days beginning. (I wonder who begins an all new day with blatant ruthless lies, heaps of lies).
I was rude too, won’t say I hadn’t said a word, I did say, in my defense. I stood up for myself. He had also proclaimed his good fate that he got saved from a shitty and maniac like me. But TRUST ME, I stick to him through every of his bad times, condoned his mood swings, attuned myself with his terms and thoughts,forgave him with just one sorry (now I call into question if he ever meant those apologies), filled him with positiveness as per my abilities, always encouraged him in every way possible. But, in the end I heard that I am a crybaby, a kid who needs to visit a psychiatrist. Because I tried to mend our ways and reconcile, because I worked towards a good goal, because I begged him hue and cry not to ditch me like this, with so many questions playing havoc inside me, without a closure.
Thinking if I am covering up for my blunders and wrongdoings? No, I am bold and courageous enough to accept. I made mistakes too, for which, I repented and tried my best to make amends. And apart from that, I seeked the opinions of many, of those who knew about us. They all opined that I had given in my 100% for this relationship. Even I know it, my heart does, and am clean to my heart, that I poured in my best, went out of my ways and did all that could have been done to make this relationship a successful one. I possibly could not have done any more, provided he never entitled me his girlfriend nor ever confessed love. Speaking of actions, as he would always choose to defend his stand, were pretty vacillating. One moment he cared, the next he threw me out of his life. I didn’t and yet don’t know which one to trust.
I was on the verge of taking steps further, but luckily, I didn’t and they didn’t end up in my life’s biggest mistakes’ list.
Post these, I started feeling like some “dementor” was sucking the little happiness left in me. I have already lost my well-being, my happiness, my very own existence in the process of loving him.
I had been one jovial girl, who always smiled, who took life lightly and emotionally and led a happy contented life. I would find happiness in small things, laugh continously on a joke that’s been cracked few hours ago, sing in the most out-of-tune, hoarse and deafening voice of mine. But, I enjoyed life. Today, I don’t find happiness in anything. I have laid my hands on various things, tried out all new adventures and experiments, but a part of me is dead.
because my heart is with him..
